I Miss My Mom

After a battle with stage four Colon cancer for over two years, my mom died on December 16, 2014. Today is January 4th and I am still overwhelmingly sad. We knew she was near the end for several weeks. She really took a turn for the worse right after Thanksgiving. As I left for work the day she died, I went in to see her. She lived with my family and I during the entire battle. She was awake and trying to talk but I couldn’t figure out what she was trying to say. I gave her a kiss and told her I love her and would see her when I got home from work. I left in tears and cried often the rest of the day, My sister lives with us and took care of her as well as my two little girls over the last two years. I had already turned in leave for the rest of the week because we knew she would go soon. After work I went to Target to get a few things when my other sister texted me that mom had been unresponsive most of the day. We had hospice come out and evaluate her. The nurse said she was in transition, which we already knew from the literature they had given us previously. She died only an hour or so later. As I was putting slippers on her feet things started happening and I called the nurse in. She called the rest of us in (my other three sisters and two of our husbands). We watched as she took her last breath. It was a very sad and emotional time. We believe her spirit had left earlier in the day in preparation for the death of her body. From then on it was a whirlwind of family, memorial preparations, cremation paperwork, and then the memorial. I think my mom liked the memorial. It was at our house and was small. We ran a slideshow of her doing and being all the things that made her amazing. We played her favorite music and talked about our memories. Then the whirlwind of the holidays occurred. More family, Christmas, New Years, then silence. Family members went home to deal with their grief in their own ways. Here, my sister, husband, and kids have tried to stay busy but now my husband has gone back to Virginia for work, I go back tomorrow, and my sister has one less person in her care. There is such an emptiness in the house. I see so much that reminds me of my mom, her medications, last unsmoked pack of cigarettes, her clothes, her urn. My oldest daughter had such a great bond with grandma. She randomly mentions her and it makes me happy and sad that I know she misses her but will never really forget her. I just want to come home one more time to see my mom sitting in her chair looking at her computer. I want to just hug her as tightly as possible and just talk about anything. I want to see her play with my youngest and sit with my oldest all snuggled up. I want to hear her in the mornings on weekends clearing out the dishwasher and see coffee stains in my counter. I would even play poker again if she were at the table with me. I hate that I will not come home to her tomorrow. I hate it!!!! I am holding on to one of my favorite last memories. I offered to give her a manicure because her nails were so dirty. After I cleaned them, cut them, and shaped them, she asked me what colors of nail polish I had. She hadn’t painted her nails ever since I can remember. I pulled a couple out and we picked one. It looked so pretty on her long nails. She still had beautiful hands all the way to the end. I took a picture of her hand after. She loved it and I cherish being able to do that. I still remember how soft her hands were. She was an amazing mom. We never knew we were poor. We always had amazing Christmases and she built those memories and the love of the Christmas season and the idea of giving in us. She worried that she was not a great mother because of mistakes she made but we all make mistakes. The love she has earned from her children and grandchildren as well as her adopted children is the legacy she leaves. We all want to make her proud even though she isn’t here to witness it in person. I miss you so much, Mom. I know you are looking down on us with love and lots of laughter. I just miss you so much. So very, very, very much!

Sorry some of the photos are sideways.